To Anxiety and First Days
I have written several posts in the past month. None of which I could agree with the next morning. Bipolar would be a good word to describe my mood, but tri-polar would probably be more accurate. I am feeling all the feels, the Spotify playlist and more if you know what I mean.
My thoughts are a bit like,
“I would love some space, but please don’t leave me alone.
I ate so much, but I am so hungry, I am so full stop feeding please.
Why am I here, oh yea thats why I came, okay I am ready lets do it, but wait I can’t do this anymore.
How can I make chocolate chip cookies without chocolate chips or an oven? Why don’t they have real ice-cream or chocolate. It’s okay this is better for me.
I hate this place, I love this place, I love these people, they are absolutely crazy, they are so sweet why can’t everyone be like them, omg please get away I need space.”
I am just taking all this one step at a time. Kas ba Kas. Training is coming to an end, a long three months that felt like 2 years and 2 days at the same time. Data has been down for a month now. I missed so many important moments. (Where are y’all doing your residency, where are you going for your dietetic internship?) Skype works at times but it takes the same time to send a text as it does for light to travel through all of space. Time seems to go by slower when I have no contact with friends and family. Three months is a short amount of time if you think about the average life span, but it’s enough time apart to know who and what is truly important to you. Day by day, I realize there are a few people who constantly show up in thoughts. Before I sleep, when I am happy, sad, craving cookies and on, I am never alone. Some memories linger on I think to keep me warm. I can still feel myself sitting at Lincoln at night, driving through the new sf bridge, the last night in LA, the taste of my moms cooking, the night we played pandemic and won, the time we drove to Birmingham early morning. Thanks for those.
I have had a lot of time to think lately. Mostly during buna (coffee) with the host fam or habisha friends. Sometimes I sit with people and try my best to decode the language, other times it’s my background noise for some deep thinking about absolutely nothing. It’s a lot of what goes on here, a lot of blah this and that. From all of that thinking, the only thing I really want to tell you is that I think we should make time for people in our busy lives. It makes all the difference. Remind me of this when I return please.
Now for some real updates: There’s a storm outside. The sound of rain and thunder is amplified by 1000 because of the tin roofs. It sounds like my soul is being cleansed, but mostly the house.
And some more equally important updates. The swearing in to service ceremony is on April 1st. I am going to officially move to my site April 2nd. Then I am free to do what I want as long as I am working towards the health goals which are related to WASH, HIV/AIDS, and Maternal and Child Nutrition. Secondary projects are related to Malaria, Gender Development and more. I’ll be working on a community needs assessment the first three months, asking questions, getting to know people, drinking lots and lots of coffee, understanding what is available and what needs to be and more. What I put in is up to me and that’s probably the scariest part. I really hope I can do this.
I read a few letters that you all wrote for me. I am going to need those more than you think. Thank you for all the undeserved love.
I won’t leave you without pictures. We held a small health class/fair at my compound the other day, taught 8th graders on proper hand washing and how disease spreads, went to some mountain in addis and colored with my lil sis.
your soul sister,
This was the first day with my host family. First days can be uncomfortable but children can make things so much easier. I took out my coloring book and colored with her for hours because you don't need words for art. It's one of my favorite memories.