beautiful brown girl. breathe.

You wake up with anxiety. It's hard to breathe. It's all too normal now. The moment is too much to handle so you step out of it into another realm, a parallel universe. Maybe the past, maybe the future. Anywhere but here, anywhere but now. Moments pass you by. Monday. Tuesday. one week. two weeks. June. 26 years old. July. You open your eyes and 2017 is almost over. Where were you? Can you remember being there, being aware. Time is flying by they tell all say to each other, so you repeat it. Pretend to believe it. You already know this much. Time doesn't exist. You exist and the moment exists. You are running away from each moment, and you are not at peace. That's all you pray for. Please God, Allah, Yahweh, the Creator, Eternal Light, please guide me to peace, unconditional love. Clarity. I need clarity. 

You are dying to understand this universe, but the simplicity of it doesn't make sense. Every time you get lost, the answer seems to always come down to one thing.
Unconditional love. 
Right and wrong. Permissible and not permissible. Halal and haram. Good and bad. Rules don't seem to make sense anymore. What does all that mean when in the end all there is, is love? Are you really as stupid as they say or maybe you just see it differently? 

Aren't you a miracle? Isn't it a miracle to be alive and be awake. To feel anxious, to cry obnoxiously in public places and still be whole. What a miracle. Don't they see it? You just want to live. This miracle cannot be wasted. You don't want to live to their limits. 

They call you crazy. You have lost your mind B. We miss the old you. Have you left God? A friend lowers her face and places it in her palm. I looked up to you. You are deteriorating. You are depressed. You should see a therapist. You don't care about anyone but yourself. Don't you love your dad, he did so much for you. You need to pray. You should've never gone to Ethiopia. What a mistake. We should have never sent her to ethiopia. Who are you? You've changed. 

so you stop talking. Talking seems to get you in trouble. Talking always turns into yelling and there is no more fight in you. People don't seem to understand.
So you stay quiet and look for peace within. You don't know what to believe. You don't feel different. You just see a little different. Why is change of perspective so easy for you and hard for others to handle? It's too much to think about so you settle for, "because you know at the core of it, the soul is constant.”

And you go deeper into the dark place within, the place everyone else seems to avoid. You remind yourself, there is nothing more to darkness than the absence of light. Remember standing outside in ethiopia when the lights went out, all there was to see were the stars. You found the stars in darkness. Repeating the words your friend wrote.
I have found happiness in the darkest corners of my shadow.
I have found happiness in the darkest corners of my shadow.
I have found happiness in the darkest corners of my shadow.


Be still and breathe. 

The anxiety settles, eventually.
Everyday seems to be a little more clear. 

It's all perspective. There is no right or wrong when there is only love. What a wonderful way to see.

I am writing for my sisters. I am always for my sisters. My beautiful brown girls who grew up feeling less than. Feeling too much guilt for their own good. My sisters who hide away thinking there is a right way to be, and it's not them. My women who are always settling. My philosophers. Mind always running, intellectual thinkers. You see so much. It's all true. Awake kind souls I am a voice you can count on, a hand to hold, a friend you can call family. I am not perfect, but I promise to always be honest. I will share all of me, so you can learn to be all of you. 

Do not be afraid. 

There is no mistakes only learning.
Understanding of self leads to understanding of the universe. Understanding of the universe leads to an understanding of our creator. Understanding leads to unconditional love